Saying goodbye to him was probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do in an entire lifetime. It was the only way though, and I knew it. The only answer in response to the mess of non-reparable damage that stood between us. I still miss him... I still miss him every day as a matter of fact. Yet, in the back of my mind, I know that what we had had dissolved long ago... like a crisp sheet of newspaper spread in a bucket of water, the image slowly fading, a shadow of what once was. I knew also that the only thing left to hold things together, like cheap glue barely sticking the severed etches of some ornate pottery piece together, had been nothing more than the memories of what we had at one time possessed. It was no longer something we still possessed. It's sad. The whole thing is so sad, so bitterly painful a story of unfinished dreams, like an unfinished masterpiece collecting dust and spiderwebs in an old attic, never to be stroked again with the tip of a paintbrush, never to be formed into the masterpiece it had at one time destined to become! But then, I suppose some masterpieces are better left unfinished. Left to the creativity of the mind, the brain completing an image of what could have been... or what should have been if it weren't for the countless obstacles that life throws our way. Yes! I suppose some things are better left up to the fancy of one's wide and wavering imagination. Perhaps that's what keeps alight the intrigue, the aura of mystery surrounding those early departed film stars like Elvis, James Dean, and Marilyn Monroe.
Perhaps it's the imagining of what could have been had their beauty and life penetrated decades longer than their lifespans had permitted.
Regardless, however, of just how greater some masterpieces are left unfinished... there's no taking the way the pain of losing someone who's voice or smile had at one time brought you such indescribable joy. I miss him every night. I miss his voice. I miss his face. And I don't think that's something one can easily get over... in fact, I don't think I'll ever get over him. Certain songs, certain places why! even certain smells are sufficient enough to make me miss him all the more.
I suppose the only peace of mind left for me, however, is the knowledge that however anguishing the void of his loss, the void left behind with the series of broken dreams shattered before me... no one can ever take away the memories of those precious times we spent with one another. Those memories that no one can ever stick a price tag to. I suppose memories are the tokens, the souvenirs God lets us hang onto, the tokens of memory pertaining to the special moments spent with those wonderful people, the one's never meant to stick around in our lives for long. The people meant only to offer us little glimpses of temporary beauty. I suppose the memories God lets us keep of another ring in alarming similarity to the light that the moon and starlight suffices once the sun has dispersed.
So, with that... with the memories, the little glimpses of beauty left behind from a disastrous ending, I suppose it makes the whole thing all the more bearable... easier to bid farewell to the past, to snip any ties you may have left to it. It's time to move on. There's a future ahead. And although it breaks my heart to say goodbye to you... please, know that I will never forget you. That I'll never let the beauty you once radiated into my life slip away. I know, however, that I must move onward. Both your and my futures are astoundingly wonderful! And as much as it breaks my heart to admit, the future's hands have far more bliss to offer you than I ever could. Ah, yes! she'll make you smile far more than I ever did. The only thing I hope to obtain from this, besides the memories that is, is to bear the knowledge that at one time I DID make you happy. That just the mention of my name gave you butterflies, and that my presence made you feel all giddy inside... I'd like to have the peace of mind in knowing that I at one time made you smile... and that you'll never forget me. Those are the only things I ask for as we end this chapter in our lives.
As we escort our characters away from the stage of one another's lives, I bear no regrets. Meeting you gave me some of the happiest moments I'll ever have. I just hope you know how much you meant, and in fact still mean to me. To me, you were wonderful and still are!
I miss him. I miss his face!
~ Erin xoxo