I can't quite pin it down. The meaning of all of those ruby heart cutouts etched with lace, those cheap letters in bulk with corny sayings depicting a child's affection for the other. It all seems like a bunch of nonsense to me. Mostly a warrant for the painful reminder for all single individuals (like me) that... well, have no one, no one who finds us worthy enough to buy us those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate or those bouquets of roses. All this time, I've been going about it all wrong, you see... I've been looking for someone to drown out my sorrows, to make me feel special and worth their time. When searching for something like that, you begin to create a romance that never was. At the same time, however, I've created some of the most beautiful romances in my mind under such circumstances. They're always very short-lived though. You see, it's always the same story, I start to find myself in some fairytale and then... it's over. He dumps me with some weak excuse.
Maybe that was my problem though, maybe I confused my own self-worth with the approval of others, the need to be accepted... to be loved. I don't know that I ever truly needed any of the guys I've dated or talked to. I'm beginning to see that I was just lonely. The last fling I had enlightened me immensely I think it was a forced kind of affection on my part. I recall the first few dates, I couldn't quite bring myself to like him that way. As a matter of fact, I was ready to friend zone him and then, strangely enough, I started to believe that I could like him. Eventually convinced myself that I did, perhaps merely in fear of being alone. That's what a lot of us are afraid of... being alone. I find that when I'm alone, not caught up with another person, I am able to improve myself immensely. So, instead of wallowing over the pain of being "alone" on this holiday of love, take a moment to focus on yourself. Learn to love yourself. Buy yourself a Valentine! One doesn't need the approval or adoration of another to feel worthy in life. Most, in fact, crave the ability to improve themselves for their own approval. That's probably one of the biggest weaknesses us girls have. We'll be going along just fine, content with our lives and then some guy comes along and ruins it all, wastes our time and vanishes, just as quickly as he came.
Don't beat yourself up though, it's just a part of our nature. Us girls can be very careless when it comes to love! We tend to give ourselves entirely, only to get nothing but an abrupt goodbye in return. I'm not saying never to allow yourself to fall in love, after all, "It's better to have loved and to have lost then never to have loved at all"! I'm only warning you to keep your guard up, don't fall too hard too fast or for all the wrong reasons or you will find nothing but regret. As a matter of fact, try and stay clear of dating all together, until you're very very ready that is. Work on improving yourself and earning your own self approval instead of searching for someone to make you feel worthwhile. We all tend to do it, search for someone who makes us feel special. After all, It does feel wonderful to belong to someone, there's no denying that! Just be patient about it though. Don't trick yourself into believing that you care about a guy only to feel like you belong to someone, like I did. While waiting for your prince charming, learn to celebrate yourself for you, learn to increase your talents, follow your dreams and better yourself!
xoxoxo ~ Erin <3
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